I was sitting in the doctor's office with my wife, awaiting my followup appointment from the eye issue last November, when a 60-something gentleman (bearded and mustachioed, but quite bald on the top of his head, with a thin "comb-over" unsuccessfully trying to hide the bald spot) and his wife walked in and sat down direcrly across the room from me. I was wearing 5" inseam women's tan shorts, pantyhose and a women's black tee, with my necklace, ballet flats, purse and long hair/nails. (Again, no picture...sorry.)
All was well until he finished the obligatory paperwork they gave him, and turned it in.
At that point, he sat there, staring at me. The first few times I innocently glanced his way, I found his eyes trained directly on me - there was nothing at all to see behind me but a completely blank wall. No window, no clock, no wallpaper or wall hangings. He obviously felt guilty about it, as he immediately redirected his gaze each time. But the instant I looked away, his eyes gravitated right back to me. This little "dance" went on 5 or 6 times over about a minute. So, I took a different approach, and simply sat there, staring intently at him, giving him a dose of his own medicine. I didn't look away each time he stared my way, forcing him to repeatedly avert his own eyes.
After about three minutes of this version of the game, he finally picked up a magazine and began reading. I kept staring at him for about three more minutes and he began "minding his manners." So it was "Game Over." Thankfully, five minutes later they were called into the exam room. I was surprised that his wife didn't do anything similar.
It would not have been appropriate to do any trans-education, since my wife was present (though she was reading, through the whole incident), and to do so would likely have caused issues for me once we got into the car to go home. This was unfolding in a nearby town, so I probably wouldn't try that anyway. But these incidents indicate that when dealing with the topic of crossdressers/transgenders, "a lot of folks temporarily forget (or simply don't have any) manners."
Let's hope there isn't a third time...but if there is, I'll deal with it again. "Bathroom Wars" certainly seem to be stirring up the troops...and emboldening them. Even when the bathroom issue isn't involved...
For those who may wonder, my eyes continue to survive the November incident just fine...one more exam in six months, and then I can go back to 12 -18 months between check-ups.
The other day, my wife (the eternal never-wears-heels girl) received the new pair of shoes she ordered on-line, lovely peep-toe wedges with about a 3.5" heel and a 1" platform. When she put them on to check the fit, I told her they looked very pretty...which they did. (They weren't my size, but if they were, I'd have worn them in a heartbeat.) I also told her I was surprised she would buy heels of any height. The comment was "they're not heels, they're wedges." "OooooKaaaaaayy."
Next day, she was wearing sneakers. And same thing the following day, when she took a shoe-sized box to the post office. I didn't have a chance to note where it was going, however. And I mentioned that I hadn't seen her wearing her new shoes very much. Her comment was "I sent them back." "Oh? Why was that?" "They just weren't comfortable." My comment was: "That's too bad, you looked fabulous in them. I guess that pair of clogs (with the over-2" heel, and half inch platform) leaves me with the honor of being the high-heel-wearer in our family." There was no response. I didn't expect one.
But I didn't utter a word about my Mary Janes with heels:
Haven't been able to put them on yet this year (pic from the archive, about two years ago), but they're comfortable enough "out of the box" for a few hours. And if I wore them more often, probably would be able to leave them on them all day. I'm looking forward to putting some miles on them later in the season!
Below is a picture from a visit to Ohio for a car show in the early 2000's, where I found some time to dress, and drop in at a town bearing my name - "Amanda." I didn't get my name from the town, nor vice-versa. But it was a cute coincidence...
Unfortunately, I no longer have the skirt suit... :-(
Later,
Mandy
I think that when people meet other people one of their first reactions is to determine that person's gender. We do this everyday with everyone we meet. Having two boxes to sort the folks into is part of the universal truths that many people live with.
ReplyDeleteI do not automatically paint someone as a hater if, in fact, that person is merely confused. You and I know who we are and what we are but someone we encounter cold can just be confused and concerned with his own level of confusion.
i would think that for some folks who encountered an man with his wife and the man had long hair, a nice set of painted nails, short, shorts with pantyhose, ballet flats, jewelry and a purse that person may be looking and wondering what the answer may be to the basic question of which is the appropriate box. When people are confused they tend to be frozen into inaction. I am not saying it is good or bad just it may not be a sign of instant rejection. It may simply be someone who needs their manners upgraded.
I really like your MJs. I think that they would have worked well with that skirt suit that you no longer have.
In my house there is no question that I am the one with the high heels. My wife does not like them and has long complained that they hurt. In the old days she knew I liked them and would wear a pair from time to time but now I guess she figures that I can wear my when the need arises.
Pat
Pat,
DeleteGlad you can enjoy heels when you want to, without major issues from your wife!
You may well be right about the man's confusion as to my gender. But, as you suggest, his social skills are certainly due for some serious enhancement!
So far, there haven't been any further issues...we'll see how it goes from here.
Mandy
Hi Mandy!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that your vision is staying the course of good health. I think you have many more beautiful pictures to take, especially of your beautiful self 8-)
I hope Pat is right about your friend in the waiting room. That it was some kind of gender confusi0on. But I think when people see things that are outside of their norms too many react negatively, suspiciously. I know that when I was younger I reacted towards LGBT people in an almost fear response. Fear of the unknown.
It wasn't until I was in high school, where I had the chance to interact with some gay students in one of my classes, where I learned they were just another variation of people. I ended up as casual friends with them, and we hung out and went to parties together, and so on. This was about 25-30 years before I identified as transgender.
I think this is the same behavior that is behind race discrimination.
I don't write this next bit *at all* trying to give "discriminators" or "haters" a pass, but I do think that the fear of the unknown is a primal survival instinct.
I hope that the acceptance the gay community has achieved over the past decades will start to occur with the trans community. I really do think it is. But it takes so long for acceptance of minorities by the majority to occur.
My girlfriend isn't too much into heels either (or skirts and dresses for that matter), but isn't it great that your wife gave it a shot? Maybe next time.
And yes, they are not heels ;-)
Hi Mandy!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that your vision is staying the course of good health. I think you have many more beautiful pictures to take, especially of your beautiful self 8-)
I hope Pat is right about your friend in the waiting room. That it was some kind of gender confusi0on. But I think when people see things that are outside of their norms too many react negatively, suspiciously. I know that when I was younger I reacted towards LGBT people in an almost fear response. Fear of the unknown.
It wasn't until I was in high school, where I had the chance to interact with some gay students in one of my classes, where I learned they were just another variation of people. I ended up as casual friends with them, and we hung out and went to parties together, and so on. This was about 25-30 years before I identified as transgender.
I think this is the same behavior that is behind race discrimination.
I don't write this next bit *at all* trying to give "discriminators" or "haters" a pass, but I do think that the fear of the unknown is a primal survival instinct.
I hope that the acceptance the gay community has achieved over the past decades will start to occur with the trans community. I really do think it is. But it takes so long for acceptance of minorities by the majority to occur.
My girlfriend isn't too much into heels either (or skirts and dresses for that matter), but isn't it great that your wife gave it a shot? Maybe next time.
And yes, they are not heels ;-)
Hi Jen,
DeleteAwww...thanks for the kind words! I sure do hope for the chance to take many more pictures!
I can go along with the "fear of the unknown" theory as it relates to gender confusion and the man's reaction. However, it would be nice (spoken from a very high ivory tower) if he would remember his manners (if he even has any.) Staring is not necessarily a good approach to confusion.
And as you indicate, it may take a very long time for "trans" to achieve the same level of acceptance as have our gay friends...
As for you comment about my wife's wedges: I never thought about wedges "not" being heels...I'll try a pair on the next time I go shopping for girl shoes. Then I can give a better opinion based on experience!
Hugs,
Mandy